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I am Property, Let Me Be

If I lived in Iowa, I would be mad as hell and I would not take it anymore. The nerve of the Iowa Supreme Court to rule in favor of Gay Marriage. Have they no values? In the April 3 ruling the court wrote, “We are firmly convinced the exclusion of gay and lesbian people from the institution of civil marriage does not substantially further any important governmental objective,” and that Iowa’s lawmakers had “excluded a historically disfavored class of persons from a supremely important civil institution without a constitutionally sufficient justification.” In other words, the Justices feel that excluding a class of people from marrying serves no purpose and that equal protection under the law as provided for in Iowa’s Constitution, even in civil marriage, trumps a parochial “tradition” of marriage as between one man and one woman and to exclude . . .

According to the Court, the plaintiffs in the case conveyed “the disadvantages and fears they face each day due to the inability to obtain a civil marriage in Iowa.” For example, “the legal inability to make many life and death decisions affecting their partner, including decisions related to health care . . . the inability to share in their partners’ state-provided health insurance, public employee pension benefits, and many private-employer-provided benefits and protections,” and the denial of “several tax benefits.”

“Yet, perhaps the ultimate disadvantage expressed in the testimony of the plaintiffs, is the inability to obtain for themselves and for their children the personal and public affirmation that accompanies marriage.” Without the legal right to marry, there is no way to legally, socially, and morally establish a family, an important social unit in our global communities. Marriage establishes kinship. Kinship establishes a family.However, we are losing sight of the traditions of marriage and we need to get back to basics. Once upon a time, marriage was a business proposition, a means of forming important strategic and economic alliances between families, clans and countries. These marriages or betrothals were determined by parents or governments, sometimes when Junior and Mary Jane should be swinging from the monkey bars during first-grade recess. Marriage was between a man and woman because the genes of the couple were critical to the success of an ongoing alliance. If you wanted out of the marriage, divorce was not an option. Hoping for the death of a spouse, even giving them a little push over the cliff, was the shortest path to a new alliance.

In addition, dowries were required as payment for women, the brood mares of marriage. Women were another piece of property acquired by the man through payment of a dowry. They had to take the man’s last name. They could own no property in a marriage. Marital rape was a husband’s right (in fact, the term did not exist until recently) and contraception was illegal. Simply put, a woman was kept subservient and in her place through the legal means of marriage. As it should be.

The minute marriage laws began to change, family values and male dominance went right out the window with the dowry. It was just a hop and a skip down the slippery slope of equal rights before women started clamoring for the vote, voicing opinions, running for office, fighting for equal rights, expecting prosecution for marital rape, demanding birth control, refusing to have children, refusing to change their names, refusing to allow their parents to choose or approve their spouse, and even refusing to marry.

Women thought they should be treated as equals. Well, that’s a bit high and mighty for a piece of property worth two cows, four goats, and a dozen chickens that traditionally served at the pleasure of the husband. If marriage had remained traditional this country could be living in Stepford Wife bliss instead of in Michelle Obama’s Positive Reinforcement Boot Camp for Girls. Changing the traditional role of women in marriage has only weakened us as a nation. Where we once married for property and economic and strategic power, we now marry for namby-pamby reasons like love, partnership and self-fulfillment. Gag me with honey comb.

And don’t even get me started on the legalization of miscegenation. What an abomination that is. Once interracial comingling began, there wasn’t a racist leg to stand on to justify keeping ethnic groups in the country segregated from their hormones and that self-fulfillment crap. Somebody messed up big time and got peanut butter in the chocolate or chocolate in the peanut butter. (Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good combination. 

However, we must find common ground on which to squarely put down our feet on the toes of the Gays in this country. We have lost so much tradition in marriage as it is. Throwing open the door to Gay Marriage is one more blow to an important tradition that’s already staggering from reforms that have shifted the balance of inequality to equality. Moreover, with marriage comes the sacred duty of procreation. If you can’t or won’t pony-up, get out of the saddle and let someone else ride the horse. In fact, make the production of children a legally binding requirement for marriage. No kids, no marriage. Period.

Long live marriage between one man and one woman (or more in some cultures). It has made the middle-east what it is today. That’s the spirit.


3 Responses

  1. I read this about 10 times looking for the punch line – I am hoping that that last line about the middle east was it and that this was total sarcasm. Please tell me yes……


  2. To LW I say, “Yes. This piece is virtually dripping with sarcasm.”


  3. Thank goodness, I thought you were channeling my mother.


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